A Developers Journey

Well, it seems I’ve run out of stuff to write about… I’m sure if I tried really really hard I could think of some good stories but to be honest most of my posts have been either rants or thoughts and feelings that I’ve never really shared, they’ve been building up over the years because I’ve always felt like it’s inappropriate to share those with other people. It’s kind of only recently, in the last few months that I actually learned to both listen and share with other people. Surprisingly it actually makes you feel a whole lot better.

Since I’ve been writing I feel so much lighter, like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It’s kind of a relief, except that now I don’t have any exciting stories… I do find it easier to talk to people now though, although that could be all the drinking I’ve been doing recently. OMG I need to stop drinking so much, I mean it’s great socialising, I’ve met some pretty cool people recently who I wouldn’t have met if I hadn’t been out drinking so I guess it’s not all bad…

But it is starting to be a distraction from the goals I planned with my programming mission, I’m kind of back to the point of re-evaluation, where I need to re-adjust my work-life-mission balance. Just like business grows and changes daily, so does life and although the same principle concepts may work time and time again, they certainly need to be able to adapt to allow for current and future imbalances. There is also the point that the things I’m now trying to learn are far more complex than simple object oriented programming and complex but extremely user friendly frameworks like Rails.

Although at times I feel like I am not getting anywhere and that I have not accomplished as much as I would like to recently, I do keep trying to remember that even though I don’t necessarily have a physical or visual finished product it doesn’t mean that I haven’t learned something useful. You see the things I am trying to learn about now relate to Networking and it can be difficult to visualise in the same way as an app that I have begun to build. Never-the-less I have in the last two weeks I have learned a great deal about DNS, web-routing and cloud servers.

There are some technical articles on the way but as I hadn’t fully understood a number of the concepts so I didn’t want to post them until I had done more research and practice, and actually got stuff working right. As a wise mentor of mine continually tells me

“Do not produce or tolerate shit.”

Although he says that in reference to code, I do believe you can apply that rule to many areas of life – particularly when posting potentially ‘helpful’ articles on the internet because to be frank, there are far too many out there which are incomplete or inaccurate. Sure people are learning and they want feedback, I’m kind of in that bracket but man, when stuff is really wrong it really really messes you up trying to learn. Oooh look at that <= I do have something to rant about after all haha. It’s crazy how every time I start writing, I just don’t stop. Even when I think I’ve got nothing to write about!

Anyway, I don’t really know what the point of this post was or where it was going but I guess it’s just me saying I am still here, there will be more great posts in the future and hopefully some far more technical articles on the way.

Before you read this, look up, look around and just make sure there is a mirror in your room. If there isn’t a mirror or if the mirror is not a full-length mirror, then go. Go and get one. Go out and buy a full-length mirror because you NEED a mirror! You don’t want it, you need it. A lot of people out there don’t seem to realise this but a mirror is a vital tool of life, the every day living of life, like food and cloths and brushing your teeth. Mirrors fit into the equally important category. I should know. I have 4 of them just in my bedroom. And not small ones either. I’m kind of like a cockatoo, constantly looking at myself. Vein as that might seem, at least I know I look good.

Why am I saying this? Well, because I’m relatively convinced that 80% of Wellington doesn’t own a mirror, or if they do, they don’t know how to use it. Generally speaking, if you look in the mirror and you don’t look good, other people are probably going to also think that you don’t look good. It’s a fact.

Clear signs of not looking good include overhang because your pants are actually way too small; pigeon toes because you don’t know how to stand in your gigantic platform stilettos and therefore shouldn’t wear them until you have practiced or at least had a few glasses of wine and balance is no longer an issue; VPL (visible panty line) or bright visible undergarments which don’t fit in with your current look; and my personal favourite, a caked layer of make up – especially with a visible mask around your jaw line because you haven’t blended it or chosen the correct pigment for your skin tone – you know you can go to your local make up store and get advice from professionals on make up application, right?

Now, there are exceptions to every rule but really if you don’t have taste then don’t even try to break those rules. If you can’t be 100% confident in what you’re wearing, you most definitely should not be wearing it. Also, it’s a good idea to think about what activities you might be doing whilst wearing the outfit you just put on. There really is a lot more that goes into getting dressed than one might expect. Think about things like, I don’t know, is it windy outside? Will I be walking around a lot today? Will I have to keep pulling my top up over my boobs every 5 minutes? Do I look like a cheap hooker? Just a few things to consider…

Really at the end of the day, this is all very very important because ultimately, looking good means feeling good. If you look good you’re confident, if you feel good you’re happy, and although everyone’s entitled to their own opinion there are some opinions you really should consider. If you feel like every item of clothing you put on doesn’t look good, well, I hate to break it you but it’s not the clothing. It’s just maybe time for you to consider the gym. Or to consider buying cloths in a size larger – As embarrassing as that might seem, you will actually look slimmer. But yeah, just go to the gym. Regularly. Especially if you have a desire to wear the occasional cocktail dress.

Anyhow, the way you dress gives a certain impression about you, you can use this to your advantage so go and do some research! Or maybe just think about what impression that dress is giving off…. I for one, like to dress in a way that doesn’t necessarily fit into the activity that I’m doing. But that’s purely because I’m not-so-secretly kind of evil and I like to mess with people, and regardless of the situation I always make sure I look good doing it.

I’m starting to get kind of sick of unwanted attention due to the fact that I’m single and must therefore be really upset about it or looking to get laid. If I meet a guy who I get along with and can have a conversation with, why can’t we just be friends? Why does it need to be anything else? Maybe it’s you who is upset about your relationship status and looking to get some.

Now, I know that this is not what every guy is thinking and I also know that I’m that good looking so don’t worry, I’m not deluded. Actually, maybe I am deluded. I guess you’d think that by the time you’ve been around the block a few times at the ripe young age of 27, you would think that you could kind of see what situations you’re getting yourself into before they happen. Apparently that’s not actually true.  I still find myself on the occasion getting wound up into a situation that I had no intention of getting into and if someone had have told me earlier that this was going to happen I would have (hopefully) somehow avoided it. I guess thats the other problem, when I try to avoid certain situations with people I’ve just met I end up coming across very cold, when again that’s not the intention. So what do you do? I’ve kind of come to the conclusion that there’s just no winning and I cannot be friends with dudes, unless I already know them or they have girlfriends. But even then, their girlfriend’s get the wrong idea. Arrg.

So, the point is that I’m happily single. I’m not trying to get laid (if I want that then I will make a point of making it happen, thank you). I don’t have time for a boyfriend. I’m not trying to steal anyone’s boyfriend. And I’m happy about all of it.

Comments like “That’s why you’re single…” and “Are you going to be one of those women has kids when they’re like 40?” are the best. Especially when they come from your family.

What I think people need to realise is that different people have different aspirations, different goals, different motivations. Some people are old fashioned and just want to have kids, a house and be married. Life accomplished. Sure, one day do want to have kids, but that’s not today. I not only want but also need to live my life first, I’m not ready to settle down, I don’t feel like I’ve experienced the world enough. And if I have kids now, my career is never going to take off. Ha, notice how I didn’t mention a relationship.

It’s great that people are concerned about me being sad and alone but I can assure the world that I most definitely am not. It’s not like I don’t get offers but to be perfectly honest, I am single by choice and quite happy about it. I’ve been in relationships before. They didn’t work out. I’ve got too many things going on right now to be distracted by having a relationship, particularly if it ends up being a dramatic one. I’m on a mission right now and getting married or having kids are not the mission, therefore I don’t need to actively seek out a relationship. Thanks. More to the point, I do not feel like I’m missing out, in fact I feel more fulfilled with what I’m able to accomplish in all the extra time.

Of course if the right guy comes along, I may have even already met him, and things work then sweet. I’m not opposed to the idea. That guy just has to fit in with what I want and that’s all there is to it. Since my standards are unbelievably high for myself, you can only imagine what they’re like for others. And of course based on a history of finding out what kind of people I don’t want to be with, well, unfortunately that kind of just made things more difficult for anyone in the future too.

After 10 years in hospitality, seeing and hearing some pretty whack shit and having experienced people at their worst I was under the impression that it would now take a lot to shock me. Wow, was I wrong….

The people I’ve met recently are honestly a whole new level of people. Their entire way of thinking and the conversations they can hold are just on a whole new level of intellect. The articulation when these people speak is insane, I feel like I’ve broadened my vocabulary over night to words I’ve never even heard of before. I can’t give any examples, that’s probably not true but that just how it kind of feels.

Amusingly though, along with that intellect comes also a whole new level of arrogance. This is by far my greatest pleasure, in particular now when I meet arrogant IT people (most IT people, and rightfully so). I don’t know if it’s the years in hospitality or just the years but I’ve learned to let people speak before offering my opinion or experience. I also like to ask dumb questions sometimes just to see what response I’ll get.

It’s fun to play for a bit before I get offended by how stupid people think I actually am. Aaaand that’s when I lay it out. It’s fantastic. Didn’t expect I knew about that did ya? All of a sudden the conversation changes. You can feel it. The opinion that was initially formed of you just changed. Just this minute. And now it’s your turn to be a little bit arrogant too. There’s no feeling quite like that satisfaction.

I’m slowly getting there though. One of these days soon I’ll decide, screw it, screw the comfort zone, I don’t even care any more. I can kind of already see what that days going to be like. I’ll be over tired, there’s a possibility I will have had a beer or two and I’ll cracking ridiculous jokes to complete strangers non- stop. Like unstoppable, non-stop. Now that I think about it, this is regularly how I meet new people. Ha, funny. Maybe that’s not overtired, maybe that’s just what happens when I do get comfortable….

I’ve been going recently to a few IT meet ups with a friend, mainly because I want learn cool new stuff and meet more people in the industry. So far I haven’t managed to actually talk to anyone aside from my friend who I’ve been going with. I guess there’s a few factors there. 1. I’m shy and awkward so that doesn’t help. 2. Some of the talks are a bit out of my depth, since I’m still quite new. And I don’t want to ask stupid questions. Although, apparently the questions I had wanted to ask but didn’t have the balls to ask weren’t actually all that stupid. 3. Its hard to form a defendable opinion about a topic you know little about to people who know a lot about it.

Like I said, one day soon I’ll get the confidence and this won’t be a problem. In the mean time, all I can really do is keep showing showing my face, learning and writing code. When I feel like I know enough, that’s when the confidence will come. Not that I know how much enough is but I do know how I feel when I understand something new and get it working myself. (Pretty sure I just nailed omniauth with pundit and rails, just saying :D)

Life would be a whole lot easier if I was a whole lot simpler. I would be happy with what I have now, where I am, what I’m doing. Unfortunately, ambition has its down-falls and that when you feel you’re not progressing fast enough it’s hard to keep yourself motivated. So, how high can you fly?

It kind of just dawned on me how scary it is. The idea of starting fresh, in a new environment, maybe in a new place where you don’t know anyone, you don’t know what they’re going to think of you and you don’t know if you’re going to be able to hold your own. Maybe I should quit while I’m ahead, just give up now, take the easy road and stay sitting inside my comfort zone. I mean I don’t really need to be challenged do I?

It’ s funny, three weeks ago I was literally ready to take on the world. Now I’m starting to realise it’s actually not going to be that easy and I’m starting to really doubt myself… Is it worth trying to take on a new career? This late in life? I’m already way behind the 8-ball and I just can’t pick it up fast enough. Trying to juggle a full-time job and a social life as well, I just don’t see an end to this madness! If only I could somehow learn faster… In 5 weeks with Ruby on Rails (half of the work is done for you, it’s not like you have to start anything from scratch) and 6 weeks experience in another framework, I honestly would have thought I’d have made more progress.

I guess the funny part about these negative feelings is that they’re not going to stop me. Despite my own or anyone else’s perception, there’s something inside, deep down that kind of pushes me to keep going. I don’t know quite how it works or if other people have this too but it urges me to explore new things, different things, put myself in uncomfortable situations, push the boundaries and perceived ‘norms’. I think the truth is that I still haven’t really found my place in the world. I feel like there’s more to life than just chasing my tail day in and day out, repeating the same week over and over and still not really getting anywhere.

I’m learning what it is that makes me feel good, it’s just a matter of putting all the pieces in place to ensure I’m ultimately only doing what does make me feel good. I guess that’s the motivation…

Happy Birthday, Bitch! After an incident in my first year of uni, I started to avoid the internet (and my birthday), like it was The Plague. I went through all measures of account deletion and limiting the details available about me until I was almost non-existent on search results.

I lived without a home computer or laptop for about 4 years because the incident had been quite traumatic and I didn’t really know how to deal with it, other than to switch off to the fact that it happened and shut down the potential for it to happen again.

I had a Bebo account – that’s probably why it all went wrong. But my friends all had them and facebook wasn’t as big a it is now. I was living in the big cityaway from all my family (Wellington seems big at first when you grew up in a town with a populaiton of 3000). I hadn’t yet found great friendships or a group that I liked so when it all happened, that’s kind of when I realised how lonely I really am.

I hadn’t planned anything special or really told anyone about my upcoming birthday so when I logged into my Bebo account on the 23rd of September 2008, I was absolutely devastated, and felt kind of sick, to find that someone had taken my profile picture and created a new profile titled ‘Selena Small Hate Group’, this group had posted a message publicly to my page

“Happy Birthday bitch, I hope you have a really shit day.”

That, amongst some other inappropriate comments on the page itself… Now I can look at that and think to myself, well it’s just words. But when you’re 19, living on your own, in the big city, shit like that has an impact.

So, if I’m not overly celebrative of people’s birthdays, I’m sorry. It’s just not a big deal for me anymore.

Subsequently, from that day I spent the next 7 birthdays blindingly drunk, after waking up to my first thought of the day. It’s stupid really but that one sentence, laid out on the page the way it was has been permanently ingrained in my memory.

…Until today. Today I felt fantastic, I let it all go. I wrote it out and came to terms with the experience that had shaped the way I feel about this day every year. And how childish to let it haunt me, all this time. I will no longer be a prisoner of my fears. I have proven in the last two years that I can handle what life dishes up for me. And I’ll continue to prove it too. Also today, I received some awesome birthday wishes from people who really matter to me and I kind of realised that if someone doesn’t have the balls to say bad shit to my face, and if they don’t really know me and are therefore saying that bad shit anyway, then they’re probably not worth a second thought.

First up, a sleep in! Omg, bed in the morning, not having to be anywhere, this is like the most amazing feeling ever…. It’s the only way to start a day off from life. It’s also kind of dangerous. The possibility of sleeping ’til 4pm and then screwing up the next weeks sleep pattern is pretty high. Although it’s a day off, it still needs to consider a little thought…

Midday seems like a reasonable time to get up and go for an extra long shower before putting extra time into my personal appearance. If I really want to relax, I need to feel good and to do that, I need to feel like I look good! Next up is an organised and tidy environment to finish off the day and start the following week in. Best way to do that? Crank some music, now I listen to a mixed playlist with a bit of everything, Rihanna, Katy perry, Eminem, red hot chilli peppers, disclosure, pod, system of a down. Who would have thought that Thrift shop makes me happy. Why music? Because it makes cleaning more fun. I sometimes even find myself distracted from the cleaning all together, too busy signing and dancing in front of the mirror. Ha, I kind of remember doing this a lot when I was 16… And almost every time, without fail, by the end of the cleaning it’s already dark outside, I’ve tried on just about every item of clothing in my wardrobe (it is not a small wardrobe, so thats actually an accomplishment!) and written a list of new items I now require to complete some new outfits. I’m nearly ready to relax…

I can’t see any reason to try and relax, if I know I’m just going to have to get up later and do something… Think about what I want for dinner, what I’m going to wear tomorrow, what I’m going to do during the week… Since I’m still in my wardrobe I might as well pick the outfit first, I probably subconsciously already did this during the clean, which by now I’m sure you’ve realised that is largely made up of reorganising a mountain of clothes and shoes back into a tiny wardrobe. Then it’s time to review my budget, my calendar and my cupboards, buy some groceries and cook something tasty but relatively quick and easy. A fried rice, salmon fillet, something.

After dinner and cleaning up I can finally sit on the couch and relax, I’ve been waiting all day for this! It’s like a weight has been lifted. There’s a sense of relief and accomplishment. I sit on the couch with a mountain of snacks, nail files and polish, my iPad, phone and extra warm clothes. I’m planning to relax for the longest time possible and I’d rather not interrupt that and have to keep getting up. I flick through the TV ’til I find something mindless but juicy like Gordy Shore, Total Divas or Americas Next Top Model. I paint my toe nails, sit back and play childish games on my iPad for about an hour whilst watching TV on a couch that takes over half on my living room with a massive matching ottoman that I can out my feet up on and even lie down if I want to.

After an hour and realising there’s nothing interesting about sitting on the couch, playing games or watching tv, I just have to start thinking again and wind up back in front of my computer trying to plan out the next steps in my build. One thing leads to another, i find a bug and i just might as well fix it… You can see where this is going. But do you know what? Time doesn’t stand still, the next week has already begun, why waste time? I’ve wasted enough already and I’m not getting any younger.

Just hit the first rebuild on the major app that I’m working on. And well, I didn’t really expect it…

After a month of hard work and finding out that there’s a better way to route, I have just broken the entire project. Not one page works and all I want to do is cry. How am I ever going to fix this?! I might as well start again from scratch…

Take a break, get a coffee, get some fresh air, come back and start again from the beginning. Get one route working right and then its just a matter of replication. In the long run, I’m going to able to significantly tidy up my code because I know there’s a lot of repetition in there and it’s getting so confused.

Half a day and an entire night later, it’s 4.45am and I have managed to rebuild only a fragment of what I thought I had initially done. Um, wow. Didn’t think it was that big of a deal but now I understand what start-up developers mean when they say they had to ‘rebuild’ their entire project (obviously on a much larger scale). Hopefully I don’t have to go through this again any time soon… Now I can see though, which stuff is really UX focused – that stuff can wait. I’m more interested in getting the underlying structure working. And of course I need to make sure that I spend a good amount of time and get this base routing right. I do not want to redo it later or change my mind, when the project’s bigger.

Work was never going to be fun today but I have managed to get through it with the help of some extra strong coffees. And as I’m sure I’ve said before, by the end of the day and a good amount of caffeine later, I’m ready to go again! Today, I was so anxious to keep working on my routing project that I pushed the gym back an hour so I could at least have a look at it first… And then it happened, I pushed the gym back to 6am tomorrow morning so I could keep working on my project. It was just going so well…

This is not a good thing. I love training, it makes me feel really good. And I definitely don’t want to go back to feeling how I did 2 years ago. I guess it’s part of that balancing act I’m struggling to keep up though – it’s okay, I’ll work out a pattern and get in under control soon. Well, I know the likelihood of me waking up and going to the gym at 6am is very-likely-not. Especially with my recent decline in fitness. I will just have to make sure I go at least twice this week. I want to start running on the weekends too – seems like a good way to clear my mind on a Sunday afternoon.

On the other hand, I’m already thinking up a thousand excuses as to why I’m not going to make it to training this week. I just know how hard it is to get back into it once you lose your fitness and I know I’m not going to be getting back in the ring before the end of the year… It’s just, the last few times have been boring since I can’t do everything so soon after my injury. I really want to just be better again. It is getting there though, I guess. I think I’m going to go and try doing the class, just see how it goes. I’ve been getting acupuncture for a few weeks now and that seems to be releasing a lot of muscular strain. And, last week I did manage to get through a whole 20 (girl) push-ups without any pain that day or the next. That’s definitely progress considering how bad I was at push ups before….

Just chose the picture for this post, man I do some things just to piss people off. Like, all the time. I don’t even know why. I guess it’s just fun to get a reaction out of people. Sometimes I just do things with the intent of getting a reaction. Before I even realise what I’m doing. I didn’t really think anything of it before but now I’m writing this, I pretty much feel greatly satisfied every time I do get a ridiculous reaction, even when the thing I’m doing to invoke it is subconscious. Not sure what that says about, maybe it just confirms my earlier suspicions that I’m going crazy(er).

Now that I know what my body is capable of, I need to maximise the use of my time to be efficient, happy and ultimately successful in what I want to accomplish. The first thing I need to do is regulate my sleeping pattern, I read an article in the paper last week (yes, the hard copy news paper, they still exist) about a man who underwent a study at Auckland University to essentially reset his sleeping patterns based on his preexisting weekly routine. It took four week for him to reset… I reckon I could do it two.

Based on an average 4.5-5 hours of sleep per night, 5 coffees and 4 beers per day, with little food or exercise in the last two weeks and the surprising amount of procrastination I can still manage to fit in. I’ll let you know how it works out…

The next step is to decide how much time I want to focus on different areas of my life. I’ve already decided to slow down the training (maybe look into fighting again next year) but still want to maintain the fitness and skills. I’ve also decided it’s time to focus on getting to the future, which is the main reasons I’m sleeping so late. This is also the first time in my life that I really appreciate being single (I’m not exactly ideal girlfriend material anyway – but that’s another story), I’ve got more friends than I’ve ever had and I’m more focused and determined than before. So for me, putting time into my social life it also pretty high on the priority list. I never understood the value of friendships before and to be honest, I didn’t really care to understand either.

It’s funny, I’m starting to realise things about myself (and other people) that I’d never really thought about before. Like just the other day, after all these years of not having a favourite colour or not caring, I came to the realisation that my favourite colour is actually blue. In a ridiculously overcrowded black wardrobe, the most prominent other colour is blue. That’s not to say that I don’t like other colours, it’s just that I am clearly inclined to veer towards blue. It feels like I’ve just woken up and all of a sudden realised exactly what it is that I want in life and what’s important to me.

Now to prioritise… Work obviously is #1, if work I get to eat and eating makes me happy, I get to save and saving makes me happy and well, most people really need to work so they can live. #2 is a bit of a toss up, you see I love the gym. I’m a little bit vain so I like to look good, I’m actually reasonably coordinated and I like to able to do things that other people can’t do, also I’ve made a lot of friends through training. But on the other hand, my future is also really important to me. I want to be successful and financially secure, and I want to do it all before I get too old, before I have a family. I’m not ready to settle down or to settle for that matter. Besides, intimate relationships distract you from being yourself. I think people need to learn to be themselves before they can truly nurture someone else. Anyway, now that my injuries have healed it will be interesting to see how the gym affects my digital progress…

#4 is definitely friends. There’s no point in working so hard to get to the top if you’ve got no one to enjoy it with. Some of the friendships I’ve made in the last two years are probably some of the most genuine ones I’ll ever experience. Now, I’m not by any means saying that I have a lot of friends, what I’m saying is the friends that I do have are good ones.

And that about takes up all the time I can find into a week… I can’t even find time to fit in cooking, I’ve eaten out daily for nearly twenty-one days straight right now. I love cooking and I’m pretty good at it too but there’s just so much more work involved than simply just cooking. Cleaning is right to the back of the list but that’s okay because who likes cleaning anyway? And because I try not to have people over unannounced. Although I value my friends, I also heavily value my privacy. I’m also starting to get to the point where #todo’s slip my mind, thank goodness for iPhones and google calendar! Maybe I just need to stop wasting so much time thinking about doing stuff and actually just do it.

Just got news of the best result I could have asked for after dislocating my shoulder in my last Muay Thai fight. No fractures, no torn tendons, no structural damage, only minor bursitis which will go away if I don’t aggravate it. Now I’m ready to get my fitness back and keep training! The first week back after almost a month of binge eating and rest eating is something I know is going to be unbelievably difficult….

Day 1

I went to the gym today, having been twice in the last three weeks since my injury. I still need to be careful to make sure I don’t damage my shoulder again before it’s properly healed and I risk 2-3 months off training all together. I’ve done that before, it wasn’t fun… I tore a tendon in my wrist last year and couldn’t do too much in the way of Muay Thai. It was so hard to come back after two months off, all that work I’d done was gone, no technique, no fitness.

But I came back from it then to have my first fight. Now that I know what I’m made of after being in the ring four times, there’s no way I can let this stop me. This is nothing on the work that I’ve put in over the last two years.

The first day back is always the hardest, I definitely don’t manage to complete a full hour of training. Starting off with 10 minutes on the bag, I have to keep stopping to catch my breath. I’m sweating already, I’ve got a headache and I feel like I want to throw up. I don’t know how I’m going to survive this class… I get called into the ring straight away, now keep in mind the last time I was training it was during the lead up to my last fight, I was running and training two hours daily for four weeks, I was incredibly fit. Now, I only just manage to get through two rounds with my trainer laughing at me because I’ve lost all my power as I almost roll out of the ring with weak legs.

Now it’s my turn to hit pads with the class and I’m secretly ecstatic that we are up to the 7th rep out of 10 already. I still only manage to do it half-arsed though. I retreat back to the bag for the rest of the hour, which is kind of good because that way I can control my power, speed and volume of activity ensuring a reduced risk of further injury. It’s also kind of bad though because it’s easy for me stop and rest a lot…

What I know, though is that the only way I’m going to make a come back is to motivate myself. Motivation? I just felt so much better when I was frequently exercising. And have I ever mentioned that I like to be able to do things that other people can’t do? Even though I felt unfit and unco and I’ve got massive bruises on my shins because all the conditioning is gone, and it would be so easy to just give up right now, I’m going back tomorrow. If I can make the time to go four times in one week, I’ll be set.

Day 2

Woke up feeling an acute pain in my shoulder and knowing how high my pain threshold apparently is, have decided it’s not best to go to the gym today and risk more damage. Instead, it comes to the end of the day I opt to relax at the local finish sauna. This place is a hidden gem and has a ladies only day every Tuesday. The heat really helps my muscles relax and gives my mind a rest, try thinking hard about anything when you’re grasping for breath, almost fainting in 60+ degree heat. But, man it’s so good! By the end of it I feel like I’m drunk or high or something. My legs are like jelly, I’m slurring my words, rambling off on some tangent and I’m not even sure what I’m saying anymore. I’m definitely going to have a good sleep tonight, I need this….

Day 3

Back to acupuncture, this always helps. At least it makes me feel better afterwards anyway… Today seems incredibly painful, maybe I’ve gone soft because I haven’t been training or maybe I’m just stressed out. Either way, I can’t wait ’til it’s over! The thought of possibly getting full use of shoulder sooner is the only thing keeping here right now.

Day 4

OK, I’m ready to give the gym another go. My shoulder is feeling a million times better than it was before last nights acupuncture and now I’m pretty sure I know my limit. My theory is that training soft or training without 1 arm for a longer time is probably going to keep me more mentally sane than not. Although, in saying that it is very frustrating to be at the gym and unable to do most exercises. I don’t want to be difficult for everyone so I try to just freestyle on the bag, I know how difficult it is for people to try and hold pads for someone without the use of limb. (technically one arm counts as two limbs in the art of Muay Thai). Anyway, the point is that it’s frustrating for all parties involved. Especially when I’m involved too, everyone thinks I’m already angry because of my unfortunately uncontrollable resting bitch face.

After one hour of light training, I’m actually feeling pretty good. It’s also kind of cool to know that I can still do 100 sit ups in one set too! Anyone who thinks I’m bragging, you’re right. Isn’t that something you’d be proud of??! Well, lets see how it feels tomorrow before getting too excited…

Day 5

Today’s my day off from training, I’ve got other things on now, but my shoulder is feeling… Well, not sore. I must have gone the right pace yesterday, now if I can just maintain that maybe 3 days a week then I’ll be back where I want to be in another months time. Relatively fit, doing push ups, training 5 days a week and most importantly, I’ll be back at sparring class!