How high can you fly?

September 2015 ยท 3 minute read

Life would be a whole lot easier if I was a whole lot simpler. I would be happy with what I have now, where I am, what I’m doing. Unfortunately, ambition has its down-falls and that when you feel you’re not progressing fast enough it’s hard to keep yourself motivated. So, how high can you fly?

It kind of just dawned on me how scary it is. The idea of starting fresh, in a new environment, maybe in a new place where you don’t know anyone, you don’t know what they’re going to think of you and you don’t know if you’re going to be able to hold your own. Maybe I should quit while I’m ahead, just give up now, take the easy road and stay sitting inside my comfort zone. I mean I don’t really need to be challenged do I?

It’ s funny, three weeks ago I was literally ready to take on the world. Now I’m starting to realise it’s actually not going to be that easy and I’m starting to really doubt myself… Is it worth trying to take on a new career? This late in life? I’m already way behind the 8-ball and I just can’t pick it up fast enough. Trying to juggle a full-time job and a social life as well, I just don’t see an end to this madness! If only I could somehow learn faster… In 5 weeks with Ruby on Rails (half of the work is done for you, it’s not like you have to start anything from scratch) and 6 weeks experience in another framework, I honestly would have thought I’d have made more progress.

I guess the funny part about these negative feelings is that they’re not going to stop me. Despite my own or anyone else’s perception, there’s something inside, deep down that kind of pushes me to keep going. I don’t know quite how it works or if other people have this too but it urges me to explore new things, different things, put myself in uncomfortable situations, push the boundaries and perceived ‘norms’. I think the truth is that I still haven’t really found my place in the world. I feel like there’s more to life than just chasing my tail day in and day out, repeating the same week over and over and still not really getting anywhere.

I’m learning what it is that makes me feel good, it’s just a matter of putting all the pieces in place to ensure I’m ultimately only doing what does make me feel good. I guess that’s the motivation…