Am I a bit of a drama queen?
March 2016 · 5 minute read
2016 was meant to be my year… So far, though it seems nothing has gone my way. In 3 months I’ve made 3 attempts and in 3 months I’ve just nearly made 3 accomplishments but not quite. It’s the end of March 2016 and I have nothing as yet to show for this years hard work.
How can you remain confident when you keep losing by 1 or 2 points, over and over? Am I unlucky? Or am I just not trying hard enough? Maybe I’m not cut out to be a programmer. Or a kick-boxer. Or any form of successful.
I had planned to attempt it all again, regardless of the outcomes so far. But maybe it’s just pointless. A person can only take so many failures without a win for so long before it all gets to be too much. I don’t know how much I can take. I’m not really used to repeatedly failing.
One thing I know for sure, though, is that so far, it has been far from an easy road. So, where to next? Take a break? That’ll get me nowhere.
Maybe I’ve got too many goals. I want to do too many things. Hard things, too. Not really, I really only want to do two things. It’s just that everything else gets in the way and I’m not in a position to focus fully on just those two things. And at the current rate of fail, I don’t see that changing anytime soon.
I guess that’s the hardest part, not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe I need to reevaluate the way I make goals and the goals that I am making? I’m so uncertain. I just don’t know what to do now. I don’t know what to think.
I had every intention of sitting a certification that I’ve been studying for in a few weeks time but now I don’t know if that’s such a good idea. That could be the stick that breaks the camels back if it doesn’t work out. After making all this progress I can feel myself slowly drifting backwards.
I’m in such a negative space and I don’t know how to get out of it. I feel trapped. I feel alone. And I just wish I knew where to turn next. I feel like nothing really matters and there’s no point in trying at anything.
Well, that’s how I was feeling a few days ago but maybe I just a bit of a drama queen…
I’ve just realised something about 2016’s lack of success thus far, it’s not the end of the world. And it turns out that before I even realised, I’ve already starting making a second attempt all three of those things I failed in the first place. And you know what? In three months time, if I’ve failed again, I’ll probably make a third attempt too. I guess at the end of the day, I’m more determined to get somewhere than I am to accept defeat.
I’ve decided to change my approach, though. Having done it all once already, I now have an idea of what to expect. And sine I can’t very well do worse than fail, I can really only do better than I have already. And I suppose another point is that when I look at my “failings” thus far, they haven’t really been as bad as I’ve dramatised.
With or without success, I have finally found myself on a path towards the best friendships of my life. I’m finally engaging on a regular basis with like minded individuals and genuinely interesting people who share similar interests. I guess if I look at life that way, I am succeeding.
I’ve finally realised that the advice I’ve getting all along is the best advice I could receive. And regardless easily side tracked I know I can be, I just really need to focus on one thing at a time. I’m now going to make my best attempt at doing this. First thing’s first, I am going to become AWS certified. There is no if’s about it and there is no need to question myself. I am going to do it. Simple.
Along with that, tech applications round 2 has begun. Now, I’m not expecting a lot since I already know that most companies want experienced devs but I already have interviews lined up, so at least I can make more contacts. I’m also getting ready for a geeky weekend where I will hopefully meet even more interesting new people! Now that I know what sort of people I like talking to, it doesn’t seem so bad meeting new ones. I think I just need to embrace my awkward.
As far as training goes, I’m already relatively fit (or at least, I was last weekend) so I’ll keep training at a steady rate and look to get back in the ring in a couple of months. I’m pretty confident now that I can compete without it affecting the time I spend studying or socialising. Last time round, I kind of almost took it too seriously and was worried about losing weight. Now that I know it’s not so bad I think I can work with it.
In the meantime, though, I’m off on a trip to Melbourne for a week to relax. A mini holiday will do the trick to clear my head and give me a break. Plus, 5 hours flying time there and back will ensure I get through plenty of studying!